The Baby Chronicles

Time & Patience

2004-05-27T11:08:00.000-04:00

So Aunt Flo is packing her bags and leaving… Yay! It’s really funny how time can change your point of view on things. It’s been about 6 weeks since Brandon and I had the talk about when to start a family. Initially I was freaked right out! How could I be responsible enough to eat healthy enough to nourish a growing baby inside me, when I can’t even manage to cook myself dinner without starting a fire? So I ran right out and bought the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book. I read every word in it up to the end of the third month. I even tried to make Brandon read it. My friend Tracy laughed and told me that the book wasn’t going to calm my fears, instead it would only heighten them. She’s right you know, actually she’s always right. She’s 8 weeks pregnant and no one can tell yet. That was another fear – that my co-workers would know right away. I wanted to savour it with Brandon before I told my co-workers, or my family, or my friends. So here it is 6 weeks later, and it’s amazing how much time can ease your fears. First off, we didn’t get pregnant the first time we did the baby dance without contraception (I was always under the impression that if you baby danced even once without contraception that you’d get preggers). We didn’t get pregnant the second, third or fourth time either. So I’ve learned that this process takes patience. That’s a good thing, because it’s given me a chance to evaluate my life, and my life with Brandon. I’m no longer scared. I can handle it. I’ve begun to cut back on my training. I’m not even scared that the baby will interfere with it anymore; instead, I’m glad that training will no longer be my only focus. This past month I’ve been caffeine free and alcohol free. I’ve learned that I don’t need alcohol, and it actually makes me wake up feeling like crap even after just one. I enjoy going out knowing I won’t wake up feeling like crap in the morning. I’ve also learned that I don’t need caffeine. At first I was substituting my coffee with caffeine free coke, or Ginger Ale. The calories in those 2 drinks were really starting to add up – I gained 3 lbs (I know it’s not a lot of weight, but if I continued to gain 3 lbs every 3 weeks, the weight would slowly add up). So I cut out the soft drinks, and started drinking water with lemon instead. I still have the 3 lbs, and I plan on keeping them (I rather like the extra weight). I’ve also learned my lifestyle with Brandon wouldn’t change drastically. We don’t go anywhere anyways. My favourite times with him are spent curled up on the couch with our dog at our feet watching a DVD. I won’t have to stop playing softball – I think I’m the only one on my team that doesn’t have children. I’ve also learned that my employer will be very supportive – I’m the only one on our team without kids. Whenever any of the moms have to run off to pick their kids up from daycare because they’re sick our boss supports them. So my fears have been eased – for the most part… I still think being pregnant looks excruciatingly uncomfortable – though my friends tell me it’s not as bad as it looks. Yeah I’ll believe that when I get there. So here’s wishing and hoping we have some luck this month, or at least have fun trying *wink*.

We're Ready - Dammit!

2004-05-24T19:08:00.000-04:00

I guess my last post didn't quite capture my feelings because a visitor made this comment:
"Maybe if all you're worried about is going to a party and if you can drink or not, maybe you're not ready for a baby. I have two, trust me, the "good times" are no longer...".
What my post was about was - if I wasn't pregnant, I'd like to know, so that I could have ONE drink (not 2 or 3 or 10...) with my bestest friend in the whole world to celebrate her last night as a "free" woman. Without knowing for sure, I was planning on abstaining. Unfortunately, Aunt Flow came the afternoon of the stagette party, and I guzzled my non-alcoholic (70% real fruit juice) sparkling grape and peach beverage like it was going out of style anyways. I was also a good girl at her shower the next afternoon, and at the wedding I went to the following night... I think I'm more than ready to be a mom - As I've also given up all the triathlons I had planned on competing in this summer, and I'm even skipping out on the 1/2 marathon that I registered for on May 30th. I've refocussed my training from training for races, to preparing my body to be healthy for nourishing a child. I implemented my "healthy living" training plan this past week, after I ran my last marathon (the Mississuaga Marathon). My "Healthy Living" training plan consists of three 30 min cardio sessions, and four 30 minute low intensity weight training sessions/week - which sure beats the sitting on the couch eating bon bons many so-called ready-to-be-a-mom's do, and its also a far cry from the 70 Km/week I was running.

One point of view I'd like to share. I've known lots of gals that like to go out every once in a while and have a glass of red wine on a patio with their girlfriends - and that hasn't stopped any one of them from completely abstaining once they got pregnant and becoming great moms. So yeah - so what if I wished to share a toast with my best friend... if that means I'm not ready than c'est la vie, I guess I'll never really be "ready" and that's fine with me. Wishing to drink and actually having a drink are two different things as far as I'm concerned!

Day 29

2004-05-20T13:43:00.000-04:00

So today is day 29 of cycle 1 of trying. Because this is only my first month off of the pill, I expect my cycle to be wonky. That said, when do I test to see if I am preggers? Do I wait until day I am 1 week late to see if I have a 35 day cycle? And then what happens if it doesn’t come then, because potentially, I could be waiting (and driving myself nuts) for a period that will never come, right? Arrghh! Its driving me insane. I had some spotting yesterday... so I said to myself ... oh well we can try again next month. It never turned out to be the start of my period. So this morning I was faced with this dilemma over to test or not to test. I bought a 2 pack of tests this morning. Its funny how they don't sell them in 10 packs or anything. Another reason why I want to know is because I am throwing a stagette for my friend (I am her bridesmaid), and I would love to have a drink with her. But because there is the potential that I could be pregnant, I cannot - and I'm definitely not going to risk having a drink if there is even the slightest chance I could be preggers. I guess the only way I could drink, is if I got my period. Even if I did a test and it was negative, it wouldn’t necessarily mean I wasn’t preggers... It would just mean that the HCG levels in my urine aren’t high enough for the test to measure. I guess what I want to know is a definite yes – one way or another before Saturday night, that way I could toast my friend, and also because the suspician is driving me nuts (it kind of reminds me having a lottery ticket and not knowing when you can check to see if you won the million or not). Only time and patience will tell.

Sleeping Beauty

2004-05-13T09:46:00.000-04:00

I slept for 10.5 hours last night! I was so very very tired. Is it a sign? Or am I simply getting a cold? Or is it stress from planning my wedding open house and my friend's stagette, and worrying about the upcoming 1/2 marathon on Sunday? I guess only time will tell. Arrrghh! I'm not good at this waiting thing!

I have NO Patience!

2004-05-10T14:00:00.000-04:00

It's funny you know, when you're trying to get preggers you start making mountains out of molehills. What I mean is, this weekend I had some spotting on Saturday, and I also took a 3 hour nap (I'm never tired). So of course my mind starts thinking... hmmm was that spotting due to implantation? was I so tired because I'm pregnant? My mind keeps thinking that every little feeling I have in my lower abdomen is a sign that I'm pregnant! I swear I don't have the patience for TTC! I have to wait another 9 days or more to find out if my suspicians are correct! And if they're not correct then I have to wait to try again, and then wait to see if we were successful. Arrrgh!

Yay For Tracy!

2004-05-06T15:44:00.000-04:00

My best friend called me the other night. She really needed a shoulder to cry on. Her period was late a few weeks ago, and she had just gotten confirmation from her Dr that she's pregnant. This'll be her and her husband's second child. They weren't trying, and the timing is horrible - she was laid off from her job 2 weeks ago, and financially things are a disaster. Part of me is ecstatic - it means she'll be off on maternity at the same time as me. The other part of me is really empathetic. I have no idea how I can help them. Her husband is pissed, he thinks she did it on purpose - but I know she didn't. I'm so excited for her! A child is such a blessing! Now I'm really really motivated to get pregnant right away - I want to spend as much time with her as possible once we have the babies. I also want to have something in common with her. I wonder how many months of trying it'll take? That's probably the hardest thing about all of this - is being patient and not getting all worked up about trying. Though I must admit trying is very fun, and it really helps to develop a bond between me and Brandon. I couldn't ever imagine suddenly finding out that you're pregnant without even trying - that takes the fun out of it if you ask me.

Am I Fertile?

2004-05-03T11:19:00.000-04:00

This morning I noticed that my (how do I say this delicately?) oh what the hell I'll just say it! I noticed that my discharge had changed consistency - I wonder if this is a sign that I'm about to ovulate? Based on what my cycles were long before I was on the pill, I have to assume that this is about the right time for me to be ovulating. I'm going to have to seduce Brandon tonight - maybe before my softball game? Poor unsuspecting husband. I know he won't be up for it after my game 'cause I play at 9 PM - he'll be fast asleep by the time I get home from that, which leaves before softball as my only option. Tee Hee *smiles*.

Feeling Better

2004-04-30T08:59:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling much, much better today - YAY! Actually, the 2 ibuprofens I took yesterday, along with my lunch took care of my headache and nausia very well. I didn't even need to have a coffee. But I went to Tim Horton's anyways 'cause it was a really nice day, and I needed to get out of our hot stuffy office. Nobody wanted to walk with me (and they wonder why they're all fat....) but they all wanted coffees, donuts and cookies. So I ended up getting treats for all of my co-workers and a decaf coffee for myself *wink*.

Arrrgh! I Feel Like Crap!

2004-04-29T11:52:00.000-04:00

I have a really bad headache. It feels like one of my migraines that I get during my period. It doesn't really surprise me that I have this though. I knew that one day cutting out caffeine would come back to haunt me! Today is a nice beautiful day outside. I think I'll take a hike over to Tim Horton's for a coffee at lunch - it's the only thing I can think of that will make me feel better. I'm also going to take some ibuprofen - I just read that it's safe during the first 2 trimesters, but not in the 3rd. Who knows - maybe this sudden wave of a headache, dizziness and nausea is me being preggers? LOL - highly unlikely at this point in time, but stranger things have happened. I'm not going to get my hopes up - I just want to feel better!

Officially Trying

2004-04-28T13:51:00.000-04:00

AF left on Sunday, so Brandon and I officially began trying last night. LOL - not like last night was even the right time in my cycle for it, but try and tell him that *wink* he seems to think he needs to get rid of the "old" spermies, so that the fresh strong ones will replace them. I obliged. Not worrying about whether I remembered my pill or not etc... really made it this a whole lot more enjoyable. I'm rather liking this whole experience so far *wink*. LOL!

All alone out here

2004-04-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

I've searched and searched, and I can't seem to find any other blogs about being pregnant. I'm just dying to read about other mommy's experiences with becoming pregnant and the pregnancy experience. I'm curious about so many things - like how did you first tell your hubby that you're preggers? How did you break the news to your boss? Did your co-workers suspect it before you told them? What were your first signs and symptoms? What was your first Dr visit like? Blah, blah, blah....

There are tons of blogs out there by infertile couples - I feel really sorry for those couples, and I really don't know what to say to them. I can't even begin to imagine how horribly heart breaking infertility is. For all Brandon and I know, we could be infertile - we haven't even really begun trying yet. I would love to comment on the infertile couple's sites, and then have them visit mine. But I also wouldn't want to rub it in their face if Brandon and I become successful, so for now, I'll just lurk around their sites.

I just wish there were other pregnancy blogs around - if anyone knows of any, could you let me know?

EDIT - I found one so far....

Yeah, I know, I failed

2004-04-26T08:30:00.000-04:00

I failed my abstaining from alcohol thing miserably this weekend. Well, if I was an alcoholic, this would have been a very light drinking weekend... But I'm definitely not an alcoholic - just a 20ish gal unwinding from a rough week at work. Friday night, Brandon took me out for a very nice dinner at the Dining Room of the race track near our house. It was a very fancy dancy place ($33.95/person!), so we were all dressed up and having a nice date. So I caved in and had a very nice glass of red wine with dinner. Then last night Brandon made me a delicious steak dinner. We had steak, baby carrots, peas, salad etc... and I lit some candles. So I caved again and had a Budweiser with dinner - steak just tastes that much MORE good with a beer to go with it, don't you think?

I have to be a good girl from now on, afterall, my friend is just about gone and soon enough we'll be making our first attempts at conceiving! Unfortunately this may make the Stagette that I'm going to next weekend kind of boring for me - it'll definitely be hard to sit back and watch my girlfriend's get shit-faced. Good thing I'm designated driver - that gives me an excuse so that they don't ask too many questions....

No More Withdrawl!

2004-04-23T12:16:00.000-04:00

Yay! I'm finally over my caffeine withdrawl! I'm beginning to realize that it was just warm drinks I was craving, not caffeine. I've been sleeping better at night - though I'm finding that I'm waking up fully rested an hour before my alarm goes off - then tossing and turning as I try to go back to sleep - as 5:00 AM is just a wee bit too early to be up. I normally get a migraine headache with the beginning of my period, and so far I haven't. Normally I don't drink alcohol on weeknights, only on weekends. So abstaining from alcohol hasn't been a problem, however this weekend should be interesting.

No Baby Yet...

2004-04-22T22:19:00.000-04:00

I got my "friend" today. A day later than usual - but no big deal. I was still taking the pill last month - though I missed one pill while on vacation/honeymoon so a small part of me hoped that I'd get pregnant. It's funny - everytme we had sex I always had this small part of my mind worried about getting pregnant, and next month, and subsequent months, that same part of my mind will be hoping to get pregnant. Weird. Brandon has been really cute lately - he really wants to be a dad - he even grinned ear to ear the whole time we were watching B's school play that she directed, even though he was missing game 7 of the Senators/Leafs series. The SENS lost.... I've been taking my "pre-conception" vitamins, abstaining from caffeine (argh!), and completely avoiding alcohol and artificial sweetners. After my "friend" leaves we'll be officially trying! Reading the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" Book has really helped with my anxiety. Yesterday, one of our consultants came in - she's only my size and is now just over 3 months pregnant - she was totally showing! I wonder how long I'll be able to keep it a secret once I get preggers? Probably not very long....

Caffeine Free?

2004-04-20T22:18:00.000-04:00

So today I am trying to abstain from caffeine. I've had two cups of decaf-tea. yum yum.... GAWD I HATE DECAF! So far I don't have a headache, but I am beginning to feel sluggish. I'm not sure how I'm going to endure this over the next 18 months or so. I hope that little Kelly or little Brandon is worth all of this!

Gripped with Fear

2004-04-18T22:16:00.000-04:00

I always thought that my first pregnancy would be an accident - not planned. Maybe that's why I'm so scared. If it was an accident than I'd have to accept it and enjoy being a mother. But planning the biggest life changing event is scary. Everyone I know who has children, whether planned or not, seem to simply adore their kids. Their whole face lights up whenever they mention their kids. I want that to be me. But how do I get over the fear of being pregnant and the fear of giving birth? How is it that I can put myself through University, run a marathon, even do a triathlon, but I'm scared to death of the responsibility of being a mother?

Tonight I'll take my last Birth Control Pill. Should I make it a special event and share it with my husband? Or should I just take it and quietly slip into bed? Knowing me I'll make it into a big event. Tomorrow I'll begin taking my "Pre-conception" vitamins. I'll also have to start cutting down my caffeine intake and also abstain from alcohol altogether. *Sigh* This is not going to be easy! I'm totally addicted to caffeine and trying to NOT have it makes me crave it even more!

"The talk"

2004-04-17T21:41:00.000-04:00

Brandon and I are now at the end of our honeymoon, and we've had "The talk". You know the one - When do you want to start a family? Brandon is always way more conservative than me - so I found it surprising that he said he wanted to start right away. But honey, what do you mean by right away? Next month? The month after? 6 months from now? Even more surprising is that his right away meant, literally, right away, as in my next cycle! I have no reasons why we should wait so I've obliged. Being the Type A worry wart that I am I've started to get all anxious and worried. Oh my goodness, am I healthy enough to sustain a life within my body other than my own life? Do I eat right, exercise right? HELP! So off we trotted to the bookstore where I picked up a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and the latest issue of "FIT Pregnancy" magazine.